Divorce in the LDS Community

Alright this one is centered a little bit differently than it usual is, but I found that I am unable to get this topic off my mind. I love being a part of the LDS church, I am grateful to and for the church, But there is something I think we as members could be better about, and that is the way we talk to and act around those who have gone through divorce. As a member of a family that experienced divorce in the family not too long ago, I am almost most members who have not experienced have literally no idea how they come across when they talk to or around someone who is divorced or has divorced parents. I am not a fan of divorce, but sadly it happens and I think it is important that we tone down the judgement, especially since we are supposed to be careful not to judge anyway. I think it important to remember that we don't know each other circumstances. It seems to me that a lot of people think they are being helpful, but quite often come across as rude, patronizing, and honestly like they pity. I get that people probably don't mean to come across that way, and maybe I am reading it wrong, but I think we need to be more sensitive. My mom is a strong woman, and people acting like she can't take care of herself or is less spiritual because she went through a divorce is just something I don't think is okay at all. I think if people really want to try and be helpful they should try to actually understand what happens when someone experiences divorce. I think it's also important to remember that everyone has experienced different circumstances and you will never know. I know eternal marriage is important and a big deal in the church, but that doesn't make it okay for people to act those who get divorced are less than those who are married. You wouldn't do that to someone who had never been married before, would you? I don't know, this probably sounds a lot more angry that it meant too. For the record, I'm not mad about it, just passionate because it affects people I love and care about. Just something to think about.

Natural Consequences

So obviously, I am not a parent and I most likely will not be one anytime soon. That being said, I can still start preparing to be a mother now. I think one of the most interesting things I have learned recently though, is when a child gets into a situation and they own the problem, they deal with the natural consequences of the event. I find that really interesting because I am not even a mother yet and I feel like I would want to step in and make sure my child was okay. But the best thing for the child, as long as it isn't dangerous, affects someone else, or the consequence is too far in the future, would be to let them handle it themselves. It sounds kind of weird at first, but it makes sense if you think about it. What could I possible teach them that they wouldn't learn if they had to deal with the natural consequence? Now a natural consequence is anything that happens because directly because of the situation, without any interference from the parents. A parent should still be there as a support system, but not the problem solver. It shows the child that the parent trust and respects them enough to be able to handle it themselves. Children probably won't think that right away, it will probably frustrate them, but eventually they will probably realize. It sounds really hard, I can't even imagine doing it. But letting your children learn from their mistakes is probably one of the best ways to show that you love them in my opinion.

Fathers Are Not a Joke

Portrayals of Fathers in media is a topic that really gets me going. Many shows, movies, and even plays and books will show fathers as someone stupid or worthless. Make them a running joke where they don't really contribute anything but humor. I think this is really sad to see. Unfortunately media has way more influence on us than we realize. What we choose to watch and read can influence what we think and believe, and sometimes it does it without us even noticing. People laugh and joke about it, but I don't find it funny. The role of a father is so skewed today that a father spending time with his child is considering abnormal and strange, crazy even! Why is that crazy? It shouldn't be. I am aware that in a lot of household settings the father is absent, or might as well be, but it shouldn't be that way. Fathers are just as important to a child's development as the mother is. There is a lot of pressure on mothers, but I feel that the standards for fathers are just so messed up. That some women considering dad watching the kids "babysitting" is the craziest thing to me. Spending time with his children should not be portrayed that way. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who don't have father's around and I hate that it is that way. Homes with the father present generally have a much easier time. I'm not talking about people who have abusive fathers or anything like that. Fathers who are there and show love to their children, and provide, and do what they can are so incredibly underappreciated and undervalued. Fathers out there who are doing all that you can to be there for your children and provide for them, thank you! Even if you don't feel you are doing enough, you are doing all you can and that is wonderful and important. There are people out there who know you are there and are grateful for all that you do. I do not take fathers for granted, and I never will. Fathers are not a joke!

Communication is the Key

Communication is such a hard thing to use properly. Many things we say don't always come across the way we think we do to others. Things we think we are being obvious and clear about may not be that way for others. It is easy to think we are good at communicating and figuring out what others are trying to communicate to us, but communication is hard. This is unfortunate because communication is super important to any relationship, especially within a living situation. When you communicate you have to put your thoughts and feelings into words somehow, and then you actually have to express them. Then the person you are trying to communicate with has to try and figure out what exactly you are trying to express. This is difficult enough when you are just trying to understand what they are saying, but words is not the only way we communicate. Communication is done through words, tone, and our body language. Our tone can be affected by whatever is going on, So we could be trying to communicate something that is positive, but something negative happened earlier and we contradict what we say with our tone. We tend to believe tone more than we believe words. It's even worse if your body language is saying something different than your words and tone. We are more likely to believe what we see by body language over everything else. As the saying goes "actions speak louder than words," and I think that can be applied here. '
Not only all of this is hard to figure out, but we all grow up in different circumstances, and those circumstances help to form our views. The views I have are different from others views. My movement, words, and tones mean something different to other people than they do to me. Therefore making it way more difficult to communicate. Learning about this is helping me to understand my roommates a lot better. I get along amazingly with my roommates, but sometimes we have moments of confusion, and it's because we see and learn things differently. We all grew up in different areas and in different situations. Causing something that makes sense to myself and my family to be viewed different. Luckily it hasn't caused us any problems (that I am aware of) and we generally seem to end up understanding each other and getting what they meant, or at least we think we do. '
The greatest way to communicate is to first know what it is you are feeling and thinking. How is anyone else supposed to understand what it is you are trying to communicate if you don't even understand it? Now as someone who has a hard time understanding what I am feeling, I get that this can be hard to do, but I believe it is necessary. Once you understand, then you can truly express. If you can't express it, then be honest and say that. Let them know that you need to figure it out before you express it. If you are the one being communicated to, it's important to first be patient. I think we easily get frustrated when people trying to really think things out sometimes because we just want to know and understand what is going on. Then once they have communicated I think it is important to gather your thoughts and be willing to ask if the conclusion you have come to is really the right one. Ask and be willing to discuss.
Communication can be a huge barrier between people, but it doesn't have to be. It something that needs to be constantly worked on. It takes patience and work, but once we get it down it will be a great strength to all around us. It may be hard and weird and first, but if we practice and put in our best effort we will improve and that's all that can really be asked of us.

Family in Crisis

First off, there are two terms here that we need to be aware of. Crisis and Stressor. A stressor is something that puts pressure on the family system, but they are able to make it through. A crisis at least temporarily changes the family system, if not permanently. Something that is a crisis to one family, maybe only be a stressor to other families. There are many different stressors a family could have. When something affects a family member, it affects the whole family. I think I have a tendency to think that it won't, but it does. We have a very individualist look on life and we think much more about ourselves then generations past. I don't think it is bad to think of ourselves and for ourselves, but I do think it is important to realize that there are others we need to care about as well. I am definitely aware that there are a lot of families out there that are not the traditional family structure, but it is still true that you will be affected by family members. Others choices will generally affect you in the family setting. I think it is important that whatever family situation you are in, you do your best to create a strong family system. Find ways to implement family togetherness into your life. Maybe something as simple as eating meals together, or just getting together to discuss things. Every family is going to hit rough spots, no matter what the family system looks like, but the stronger the system is, the easier it will be to handle these stressors and crises. The family is supposed to be your support system, I know not everyone has one, but if you can have this system I highly recommend it.

Friends After Marriage

I have a lot of friends in my life. I have quite a few close ones too. Opposite gender ones, as well as ones of my own gender. Growing up I have never seen anything wrong with having these close friends. So I struggled to see how having close friends could be bad for a marriage, even close opposite gender friends. These are just friends and I don't plan on making them anything more. However, as I looked more closely at this topic I have discovered that it might not be such a good idea to have close friends like that after marriage. Now I am not saying that your spouse should be the only other person you ever talk to. I just think we need to be careful who we talk to, and what we talk about with those people. 

When I think of the words "close friends" I think about the people that I talk to and trust the most. Now it may seem harmless to keep these close friends around, but first let's talk about opposite gender friends. These friends, no matter how hard you try not to, will at some point mostly likely cause tension. Sharing personal things brings people closer, and it can make you feel or think that you are more attracted to them, even if you don't realize it. People may not be committing physical infidelity, but a lot more times than people realize they are committing emotional infidelity. If you fight with your spouse and then go to your friends for comfort that not only brings the two of you closer, it also can hurt your spouse. Even if unintended. Your closest friend should most definitely be your spouse, and you really should not discuss things that happen with your spouse with your friends. What is even worse is when you talk to your friends about something that you haven't even discussed with your spouse. You do not need to have friends that you tell absolutely everything to, you should be able to do that with your spouse. 

It is hard to be around other people and not create emotional connections, especially in some professions. For example, a dentist and the dental assistant. Most people in this situation talk about their personal lives, and sometimes they may grow too close. It can happen to people without them even realizing it if they do not know what to look for. In these work relationships I feel it is very important to create boundaries and draw a clear line. Once we draw the line, we cannot and should not mess with the line. Try to not even get close to the line. Personal lives should be almost completely off the table. It can really mess with you. It is important to have these boundaries, or we may end up in situations we didn't expect. We may even find ourselves asking "How did I end up here?" We have to be careful.

Adjusting to Marriage

I know what you are thinking, I as an extremely single individual am totally qualified to talk about about this subject. Of course. Seriously though, I will admit that I am severely lacking in the experience department when it comes to this topic, but I do have a little bit of knowledge, it just hasn't been applied yet my friends.
First off my friends, if you think about it the marriage really begins at the proposal? Why you ask? (Or maybe you didn't, but I am going to tell you anyway). You officially start planning your life together when you get engaged, and isn't that what a marriage is all about? During class we discussed how the wedding should be planned by the couple, and not just the bride or the bride and her mother. This is because the wedding is for the couple, not just for the bride, and not for the bride's family. A lot of times is is considered the bride's day. That seems kind of sad though because it be something they both love and will remember as their day forever. I'm not saying that if the groom doesn't help plan it the marriage is doomed or it won't still be a special day for him, but shouldn't he get to have actual opinion on the matter? Also why does the average US wedding cost $27,000? That is so expensive. I understand that it is a special and important day, but that is honestly more than some people make in an entire year and more than half for what the average American makes in a year. It honestly hurts me to think about spending that much money, though I am not even close to getting engaged, so we'll have to see how I feel when it actually comes up.
Once the wedding is out of the way, the hard stuff starts. There are many things that people who have not lived together before marriage will have to adjust to and think about. Some things are hopefully discussed before marriage, but most often are not. Before a couple gets married they should make sure they have discussed the important stuff, and even the little stuff. Like do you know how they sleep? Do they like it hot or cold? Do they sleep talk? Do they do other weird things in their sleep? I apparently drink my water bottle and talk and do other weird things in my sleep. I figure that will be fairly important to whoever I marry and share a bed with. I just think that it is important that we make sure we know a fair bit about what we are getting into and then learn how to compromise when we need to. Don't give up over the small things either, learn how to deal with them. I could probably go on about this for awhile, but I think that's all for now. See you later friends!

The Wonderful World of Dating

Dating is so incredibly confusing. It just really is. Especially in today's society where we seem to have mixed up what dating really is. It seems like a lot of people feel like if we are spending time with them, we are having dates. This isn't always true. Dating in most of society today is really just us hanging out with another person and calling it dating. True dating involves planning things in advance and putting real effort into the date. It's not just inviting them to something last minute or having someone come over where you just watch a movie and don't talk about anything. Dating requires real conversation and quality time being spent together. How are you ever going to get to know a person if you don't really talk to them? By the way it takes a minimum of three months to even start to get to know a person, and that is if you are trying to get to know them. To be blunt, if you aren't talking while you are "dating" than there is probably a good chance that you never will get to know the person.

Another thing that is really big in the world of dating in today's society, physical touch. I talked about this in a previous post but it is really important that I feel I need to touch on it again. Too much physical touch can be extremely damaging to a relationship, especially if you don't understand how physical touch affects people. In my previous post I said that just sitting by someone can make you feel closer to someone. Now imagine you have starting making out with a person right after you start dating. It cause attachments to start to form. When this attachment starts to form, you start to think you know them when you really don't. This is just very concerning to me, as person who enjoys physical touch (like hugs and just being by people, nothing too crazy people, don't worry). I don't want to get attached to a person just because I really enjoy kissing them or something and have been convinced that I love them and really know them. Of course I am not saying that people who kiss never talk about anything or are doomed to fail or anything like that. I'm just saying that we should be careful. It hurts to think you know someone and realize you don't know them as much as you thought you did, or they weren't the person you thought they were. I have only experienced this with friendships, I can't imagine what if feels like to experience this with someone you are actually in a relationship with. Discussing things is so incredibly important and yes, touch is part of a relationship, but please don't let it take over completely.

Dating is scary and it's hard. Think of dating as the Three T's. Togetherness, Talk, and Time. Spend real quality time together, discussing important things. Be careful to not be too open too fast, and to have mutual self-disclosure. Learn about each other. This method won't protect you from heartbreak, that is hard to avoid, but it can help you go about it in a healthier way.

Siblings

In an article we read for this week it talks about how having siblings, specifically sisters, help mental health. I found this interesting because I do indeed have sisters. I have an older sister who is older by two and a half years, and a younger sister who is younger by three years. The article talks about how having these siblings help negative feelings be lessened. It's kind of hard for me to say whether or not that is true since I don't know any different other than living with my sisters, but I would say in my family I probably have a little bit of both. I like to think that my sisters are pretty protective over me, I know I am over them, probably to the point of being annoying sometimes. My sisters do look out for me and care about me. They love me and I love them. Sometimes though, we fight and grow apart and have differences. Those times can sometimes be the loneliest and have the most negative emotions I have ever had, at least in my experience. At this point in my life, I know my sister's got my back, and nothing against my sisters, but it definitely didn't always feel like that growing up. Maybe that's just the way I perceived things and maybe this is going to offend my sisters if they read it, but I really don't know. It's hard to discuss this from a perspective of whether or not it helped my mental health more than others who didn't have siblings because I only have my one experience and everyone has different personalities and experiences so it is very hard to test. To sum it all up though, I do love my sisters very dearly and I miss them very much right now as I am up at school. I am incredibly grateful for everything that the three of us have been through together.

Culture

Do you ever stop and wonder how culture starts or why we have the culture we have? Do you even really know what your culture really is? I'll be honest, when I think of culture, it is hard for me to apply culture to myself without thinking about art and music and all that fun stuff. That's not really what it is all about though. Culture is the attitudes, behaviors, and characteristics of a social group. We all have a culture, but how often do we really think about it in relation to ourselves?
We have different classes in our culture, and when we think of them it is easy to think that it is just about the money. We discussed in class this week though that we assume people's class depending on a lot of other things as well. For example, the more education you have, generally the higher the class people think you are. This isn't always true, but we do assume. Other factors would also be how people carry themselves, confidence, etiquette, mannerisms, and recreational pursuits. The more you have these things, the more likely people are going to believe you are a higher class. It is entirely possible to make people believe you are a higher class than you are. In fact there are probably people in your life who is doing that very thing and you have never noticed.
Culture is a funny thing and I feel like I really need to study my own culture some more and encourage others to do the same.

Circular Causality and Physical Touch

Circular Causality. What is it? In class we talked about how it is like this constant cycle that we get stuck in. An example of this would be if I were in a relationship and he did something to upset me, but instead of me explaining why I am mad at him, I just act upset with him and distant. He keeps doing the thing that bothers me and I get angrier which makes him upset and it is just a constant cycle where we are moving further and further away from each other. This can go both ways, good and bad. In my opinion the one that I described it the most common. This isn't just something you do with your significant other either, this is something that can be done with everyone you know, especially the ones you live with. I can admit to having these moments in my family, and the longer you let this go on, the more distant you become. I find that for myself, most of the time I can't even remember why I was mad in the first place, but I know that I was mad. Plus whoever this is happening with is distant from me now too, and who really started anymore? I could say it was them, but they would probably say it was me. This cycle could just go on and on, unless you acknowledge what is happening and realize that something needs to change. Since learning about this this week, I have been paying more attention to how my relationships are working. I have seen both the good and bad, and some need to be dealt with. I will be working on that as time goes on.
Another thing I wanted to mention is physical touch with those we love and care about. This includes roommates, friends, significant others, family, and whoever else you want to put in this category. Physical touch, in the sense of just like holding hands or hugs or simple things like that are really important in close relationships. I think another way to put this is physical closeness. Generally the closer you are to someone physically, the deeper your bond will go. For example, just sitting by someone in a class everyday brings you closer to them then the people who are across the room from you simply because of where you sit, and a lot of people don't even seem to notice it. So when you are angry at someone and try to punish them by not letting them touch you or something along those lines you could cause more trouble and create more distance between you. It goes back to Circular Causality. The more aware of this I become, the more I am able to see how this takes place in my life.

Technical Difficulties

I have had some trouble posting on my blog for the last few weeks, but I finally figured out the situations so my post will be posted soon. My post still talk like they are from the week they are meant to be from, even though they are posted late.

What do I know about Love?

As an extremely single individual who has never been in love, absolutely nothing!  You see my friends, it turns out that a lot of things I thought I knew are in fact, false. Though this is not completely a surprise to me. I feel that we as a society are quick to believe things, or is that just me? Might be. Don't believe everything you read, they said, and believe me, I am trying my best. Anyway, I am here to discuss the two parts of the myth of love.  

Part 1: We get married because we are in love.

Now before you are start to think I am insane, I am not saying love isn't involved in a marriage, because of course it is, but that doesn't mean it's why we get married. According to my good pals Lauer & Lauer, while love is often involved, it is not always our driving factor for marriage. Love is such a complicated emotion and involves so many different factors. There are many things that we can confuse for love. Excitement is a big one. Excitement for having a family, for finding someone that we think we are comfortable with and can relate to. But that doesn't mean love. Some marry for convenience because let's face it, it's nice to have someone around. Someone who is your support, and this can most definitely be love or turn into love, but it was not the main reason those individuals got together, is it? Love can be developed despite any reason people end up married. Love is hard to understand and it is extremely complex. Love is awesome (so I have heard), when we truly understand it.

Part 2: Love is forever.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely believe in true love and all that jazz, but many believe that love will come by itself and that we don't need to work on it. I don't really think this view makes sense. But, I must say, as a person who watches an extremely high number of Hallmark movies, I can understand why someone might have a skewed view of love (I am that someone). To quote Dr. Peck through my professor "Love is a commitment to well being and growth." To go back to part 1 of this myth, there is a difference between being committed to a marriage and committed to each other. Love is something that you have to work hard on to keep. It's not something that magically comes and just last forever, as awesome as that would be. Have you ever felt a feeling that really does truly last forever? There will be moments when you are not feeling the love, but that doesn't mean to give up, and that doesn't mean it is never going to be there again. It is work, it will always be, but from what I can tell, it's worth it. 

Love is a pretty big topic to cover, especially when I have never felt love, at least not in the sense I am discussing. If you want to know where I got some of my information you can check out the book Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer. They know a lot more than I do. 

Hello World!

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3. Hello! Here is my first post on this blog. My name is Alyssa and this blog has been started for my Family Relations class up at BYU-Idaho. This is a little starter post and introduction to me, while also testing to make sure it is all set up properly! I'm excited to post my thoughts and what-not. I will be posting on here at least weekly throughout the semester, maybe more depending on how I am feeling and what I feel inspired to write about! So this blog is basically going to be exactly what it is titled: The Ramblings of a Young Mind. Welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay here at Alyssa'a Blog!